Bard of Parodies
Contents:
Introduction
1. If Ever I’d Believe You
2. Postmodern Public University
3. I Need It Tuned By Yesterday
4. If It Takes Forever, I Will Tune For You
5. Jingle Bells, Smoking Smells
6. Wine Barrel Polka (Roll Out the Gospel)
7. Fallen Leaves
8. He Knows Just How To Love Me
9. Smoke Gets In Your Skies
10. Won’t Stop Respecting That Self of Mine
11. Turkey in the Can
12.. Oh Bring Back My Analogy
13. Russell Up Some Tea
14. Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver
15. A Child’s Garden of Friendship
16. I Don’t Think We’re Alone Anymore
17. Aynnie
18. Alley Can Cat
Introduction
In 1965, Little Jimmy Dickens recorded a crazy song by Neal Merritt titled “May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose.” It was almost crying for me to respond with “May the Bard of Parodies Send Up Your Song (or, with apologies to Madonna, Like a Version).” Here are some of my titles, followed by lyrics to some of my parodies and versions. I wouldn’t be able to record and publish my material without permission from the original copyright holders (except for the songs that are in the public domain), but a friend of mine who teaches copyright law assures me that I can publish the lyrics. Like any copyrighted material, the music cannot be performed in public without permission from the copyright holders. I hope you enjoy my parodies and versions, as well as the rest of my creative material. I’d welcome feedback at
hope4you@centurytel.net. All lyrics are (c) copyright Dan Eumurian. Contact me for permission to reproduce material. If you like my writings, feel free to visit my YouTube channel “Live Armadillo” elsewhere on this website and Like, Follow, and Subscribe. You might also drop a few bucks on my PayPal account, accessible on the main page of my website under “Donate.”
1. If Ever I’d Believe You
(With apologies to Lerner and Lowe, Robert Goulet, and the great song from “Camelot,” “If Ever I Would Leave You,” and with thanks to William Lane Craig for the his listing of four phenomena which he says are best explained by the existence of God.)
If Ever I’d Believe You,
It wouldn’t be existence,
’Cause of my insistence
Existence just is.
It came out of nothing,
Or something—who’s sure.
It wasn’t created,
And that fact is pure.
If Ever I’d Believe You,
It wouldn’t be the Big Bang,
’Cause I know the Big Bang
Just happened by chance.
That multiverse system
Kept poppin’ ‘em out.
Ours happened to make it,
And I have no doubt.
I don’t believe
In objective morality.
It would be wrong
To think wrongness could ever be.
If Ever I’d Believe You,
It wouldn’t be fine tuning,
Cause I know fine tuners
Do not make house calls
Oh no, not existence,
Big Bang, morals, or tuning.
I never will believe
In y’all!’
2. Postmodern Public University
(With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)
(A black man who was affiliated with the Billy Graham Center at Wheaton College talked about going beyond toleration to love. President Biden has said he believes in equality of opportunity rather than equality of outcome. I humbly submit that there are few thing more diverse than a committed heterosexual relationship. I recall Harville Hendrix stating on Wisconsin Public Radio back in the 1980s that such a relationship affords people the best chance to heal issues that stem from their childhood. I grieve with the Chinese people for the injustices done to them by the West in the Opium Wars of the nineteenth century, for the way Chinese railroad workers and others were treated in the US, and more. I grieve with black Americans for slavery, and was haunted by the conditions under which black people were brought to America on slave ships, as recounted in the movie “Amazing Grace.” The song by that title was written by John Newton, who went from being the cruel captain of a slave ship to being a devout Christian and working with William Wilberforce, another devout Christian, to end the British slave trade. Although I don’t agree with Thomas Sowell on every point, I think his book The True History of Slavery and the accompanying YouTube video are informative. I can share more details on request, and would welcome thoughtful discussion.
I am a student
at Postmodern Public University.
I learn inclusion, equity,
and most of all, diversity.
We don't believe in standards,
sexual or mathematical,
Although our care for pronouns
might be labeled as fanatical.
We practice toleration
and think hatred is just horrible--
Except, of course, for all of those
despicable deplorables.
Although postmodern thinking says
that power is the only good,
I think they would agree
the summum bonum’s really victimhood.
I think they would agree
the summum bonum’s really victimhood.
I think they would agree
the summum bonum’s really victim, victimhood.
I am a student
at Postmodern Public University.
Our academic freedom yields
to gender identity.
We won't regard solutions
we might label as conservative.
Although there is no right or wrong--
of that we're most observative.
We thank the Chinese government
for gracious generosity
Though what they do to Uyghurs
must be labeled as atrocity.
We let them steal our hard-won
intellectual property
And slander us and threaten us
most totally improperly,
And slander us and threaten us
most totally improperly,
And slander us and threaten us
most totally improper, properly.
We worship sports
although we let transgender folk destroy them,
Let drugs kill brains and bodies
so we cannot enjoy them.
And though taxpayers underwrite
our Marxist philosophy,
I am a student
at Postmodern Public University.
3. I Need It Tuned by Yesterday
(With apologies to Sir Paul McCartney and the Beatles)
Yesterday,
Could you possibly stop by my place?
My piano’s in an awful way;
I need it tuned by yesterday.
Suddenly,
I remember that today’s the day—
The recital that I have t play.
I need it tuned by yesterday.
It’s been
Quite a while since the last time,
I’ll agree:
Bought in
1920 and tuned
In ‘53.
By the way,
There are forty keys that will not play.
In a year or so I’ll try to pay,
But tune it, please,
By yesterday.
4. If It Takes Forever, I Will Tune for You
If it takes forever, I will tune for you.
I have brought my lever; I’m a boon for you!
I will spend the evening and till noon for you.
Till I get it tight, I’ll be right here.
It took seven hours for the temperament;
I have stretched the treble to the final cent.
Then I touched the keybed; once more, out it went!
It’s the second night, and y plight’s clear.
It’s been quite a while, but it’s been worth the wait.
I apologize for going on so late.
If you’ll pardon me, now I must regulate.,
And so if you might, shine that light here.
Why’d you stick that light in my right ear?
5. Jingle Bells, Smoking Smells (“double parody”)
A day or two ago, I thought I’d take a smoke.
My face turned red and green, and I began to choke!
My friend said, “You’re grown up! C’mon and gimme five!
I said, “You dudes can have this stuff; I’d rather stay alive! Oh,…
REFRAIN
Jingle Bells, smoking smells,
Robbin’ all your wealth.
The penguin kicks the cancer sticks
Or the joke is on his health! (Repeat)
Dashing thru the snow was a breather having fun!
Lagging far behind was a smoker who couldn’t run.
[Neither can I! I’m stuck in a wheelchair right now because of some broken bones. —DE)
The smoker stopped to rest, called to his friends and said,
”I don’t care how they advertise; I’d rather not be dead! (To REFRAIN)
This Christmas you can give a present to yourself.
It doesn’t cost a dime! We simply call it health!
Forget the nicotine, the chemicals and smells.
Let car exhaust and chimneys smoke while you sing “Jingle Bells” ((To REFRAIN)
All lyrics copyright (c) 2002, Dan Eumurian/
Come Thru Music Co., BMI, www.LaCrossePiano.com.
6. Wine Barrel Polka (or, Roll Out the Gospel)
At the wedding there in Cana,
It was really a no-brainer.
Jesus with his twelve disciples
Was the party entertainer.
There was hora, polka, schottische,
For the Germans, Jews and Scottish,
Rap, boogie woogie; some even did the twist.
But then Mary gave her Son the sign:
”Lord, it seems we have run out of wine.”
He said, “My time has not yet come,
But who am I to spoil the fun?
Fill the water pots up to the brim;
Call Festmaster, serve some up to him.
You think that Nature’s drink is fine?
You’ll find I’ve turned it into wine!
And so let everybody come,
Drink, and have some fun!
Roll Out the Gospel!
Let’s have a batch full of fun!
Roll Out the Gospel!
We’ll give Old Scratch quite a run!”
Christ did the impossible;
He’s the Fulfillment of life!
Now we get to serve the gospel
As his cosmic wife!
7. Fallen Leaves
Lyrics by Dan Eumurian
(With all due apologies! I was privileged to be able to hear Roger Williams play “Autumn Leaves” on a Steinway grand piano at a Piano Technicians Guild convention years ago.)
Pre-virus version:
The falling leaves give me hayfever,
The symptoms of a summer cold.
I sure could use a pain reliever;
My antihistamines are old
So I'm springing to the pharmacy
And there I buy a mask for me.
Soon the snow and ice will kill the pollen
From fallen leaves in the fall.
8. He Knows Just How to Love Me
Lyrics by Dan Eumurian
(A response to “I Don’t Know How to Love Him,” from “Jesus Christ, Superstar”)
He knows just how to love me,
Liberate me and motivate me.
He’s the Lord, yet he’s a man,
And he’s loved so many children before,
His grace can comfort me and many more.
He can break me down, he can build me up,
Leave me in the ground till I’ve grown enough.
I want the best he offers to me,
And he wants to give.
He knows just how to love me,
Educate me and use me.
He loves men and women too,
And he brings together what was apart
To teach us from his mind
And share his heart.
March 20, 2009
9. Smoke Gets In Your Skies
Lyrics by Dan Eumurian
(With apologies to “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”
You fly your private jet
’Round the world to get
Allies for your cause,
Passing climate laws,
Making warming pause.
You want an EV car
Mandate near and far.
Some child worker dies.
Though you think you’re wise,
Smoke Gets In Your Skies.
China seeks to rule both West and East,
But uses coal power.
Kerry’s brain has just a single lane,
And it is not his country.
Bjorn Lomborg has a grand,
Cost-effective plan.
Saves both bucks and lives,
Lest our planet dies
’Cause Smoke Gets In Our Skies.
Venezuela has a lot of oil,
But it is dirty.
Canada, Texas, New Mexico
For now would be cleaner, greener.
If China ruled our air,
They wouldn’t give a care.
Tyranny and lies, like balloons would rise,
As Smoke Gets In Our Skies.
10. Won’t Stop Respecting That Self Of Mine
This is a parody on “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man o’ Mine,” from the Broadway musical “Showboat.” When I presented it to the women’s choir at an area high school, the young women said they liked it better than the original.
Don’t need a boyfriend, don’t need a date.
Don’t need a girlfriend to make me feel great.
Won’t Stop Respecting That Self Of Mine.
Want some more learning, got me a job.
Smoking and bingeing? Nosiree Bob!
Won’t Stop Respecting That Self Of Mine.
If you want my heart, here’s how you can start:
Show me your commitment will be mine,
And worth my time.
You can have fakers, you can have frauds.
Them and me both? I don’t like the odds.
Won’t Stop Respecting That Self Of Mine.
Lyrics (c) 2023, Dan Eumurian.
11. Turkey in the Can
As I was a gwine on down the way
On a Thursday in November called Thanksgiving Day,
I passed a fast food
With burgers and rings,
Said, “I need something more
To make my hungry heart sing.”
REFRAIN 1
Turkey in the Can (Turkey in the Can),
Gravy in the boat (Gravy in the boat),
I’m a mashed potato, sweet potato,
Pumpkin pie man,
But you gotta start it out
With a Turkey in the Can.
Well the tofu crew
May have nine lives like a cat,
And the gravy may
Have some saturated fat.
But a green bean casserole
And real Wisconsin butter roll
Find me a fan,
Along with Turkey in the Can.
REFRAIN 2
Turkey in the Can (Turkey in the Can),
Gravy in the boat (Gravy in the boat),
I’m a mashed potato, sweet potato,
Cranberry man,
But you gotta top it off
With a Turkey in the Can.
Well the Packers are ready
To tame the Lions,
And the hunters prob’ly
Have some venison fryin’.
But we’d be remiss
And miss the reason for livin’
If we didn’t start out
With a little Thanksgivin’
REFRAIN 3
For Turkey in the Can (Turkey in the Can),
Gravy in the boat (Gravy in the boat).
I’m a mashed potato, sweet potato,
Marshmallow man,
But you gotta start it out
With a Turkey in the Can.
Diddle-e-deet, diddle-e-straw bale,
Gobble gobble!
Lyrics (c) 2023 and 2024, Dan Eumurian.
Credit lacrossepiano.com
You may wonder why the turkey is in the can rather than in the pan. I put the first verse and refrain on Robert F. Kennedy, Jr'.’s Facebook page, where he was demonstrating how to fry a turkey in a can. I’m an independent journalist and am not endorsing Mr. Kennedy, but I adapted my lyric out of courtesy to him, his family, and his Facebook followers, who I’m sure will be swarming to this website to see the rest of the lyric. :) To them and to Bobby I would say, please do what I encourage every debater to do: Articulate your opponent’s point of view accurately and passionately. Put yourself in the shoes of those of us who were impacted by polio or other diseases that were tamed by vaccines, and become known clearly as someone who listens to your opponents and understands the unintended consequences that might accompany the changes you and your colleagues want to bring to US society. As one of my next songs will say,
“For God Didn’t Just So Love America
(He loved the whole world!).”
12. Oh Bring Back My Analogy
The most memorable joke book I’ve ever had was School Daze, published by Scholastic Books around 1962, when I was in sixth grade. One joke had the teacher saying,, “Johnny, I want you to use both the word analyze and anatomy in one sentence.” Johnny replied:
”My analyze over the ocean;
My analyze over the sea;
My analyze over the ocean';
Oh bring back my anatomy.”
If you don’t know, this was a spinoff on the old folk song “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean.”
I’ve gotten double duty out of that corny joke (and multiple duty out of that book). One of my versions is found on my “Censored by a Cigarette” album, available under “Store” on this website:
”…My Body was feeling quite frisky.
I thought I could conquer the world.
I gave it tobacco and whiskey,
Then I got addicted and hurled…
Oh bring back My Body to me.”
More recently, I picked up on the concept of analogy that was part of my master’s thesis in philosophical theology at Wheaton College Graduate School.. “Analogy” literally means a word laid next to another word to help explain it. Austin Farrer of Oxford suggested that a person could connect the finite world to the infinite world by using analogy. Jesus spoke in many parables, which are a form of analogy. Farrer further suggested that the ideal analogy to connect the finite to the infinite was Jesus himself, sing he was both fully human and fully God.
I’m a songwriter and poet. I use a lot of analogies in my writing. In the following lyric I defend the use of analogy in general:
”I analyzed all of your data.
Your data meant nothing to me.
For me to make sense of your data,
You hadda use analogy.
Oh Bring Back My Analogy.”
13. Russell Up Some Tea
I’m a little teapot, steaming pink,
’Cause molecules are bouncing quick as a wink..
Steaming too ‘cause someone stopped to think
They’d like to pour me out and have a drink.
I’m a little teapot on the stove.
I tried to orbit; down I dove!
Planets and electrons all revolve.
Why they do I just can’t solve!
Electrolux and Hoover, Kenmore, Shark,
DustBuster, ShopVac, Bissel, Oreck—
All of these and quantum have in common:
They all work and were made by someone!
14. Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver
(With a tip of the hat to Paul Simon.)
It tries to filter out the poisons from your blood,
And you show appreciation by imbibing too much suds,
So consider, lest it fail you and they plant you in the mud,
There must be Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver.
Admittedly it makes cholesterol and bile,
But it serves a healthy purpose irregardless, all the while.
If you guard it, I assure you it will always make you smile.
There must be Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver.
If liver cancer and cirrhosis are your thing,
Then I beg your pardon and apologize for what I sing.
But if maybe, what the ads omit has caused a bell to ring,
Then think of Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver.
15. A Child’s Garden of Friendship
A friendly response to Robert Louis Stevenson’s
”The world is so full of
A number of things,
I’m sure we should all be
As happy as kings.”
—A Child’s Garden of Verses
The King who has filled up
The world to no end
Is strong, good, and smart,
And says, “Come be my friend.
—Dan Eumurian
Thanks to Mom, Adeline S. Eumurian,
Who introduced me to Stevenson’s original poem.
16. I Don’t Think We’re Alone Anymore
When I was around 15, I attended “LIFE ‘67,” a Christian youth gathering in Estes Park, Colorado. There were two narratives going on. One was the scheduled program, with speakers and probably musicians telling us to become Christians or act like Christians should. The other was in the back of the bus. The word spread that two of the kids were “making out.” Around that time there was a hit song on the radio, “I Think We’re Alone Now.” It had a young guy and girl, who had probably ben conceived by parents who understood sex, whining that “they don’t understand,” and finding refuge in each other’s arms. That song was reissued a few years ago, and someone on Facebook, “1960s Memories by DoYouRemember,” just quoted from another song, “And in our car, our love went much too far.”
I don’t like to be rough on people, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
”I Don’t Think We’re Alone Anymore.
There’s a little life that is growing inside me.
I Don’t Think We’re Alone Anymore.
Wish I had my parents to comfort and guide me.”
In my senior year in high school, our Homecoming queen died in a drunk driving crash with two guys on Prom Night. A classmate recently said, “We grew up really fast after that.”
When I was at Wheaton College Graduate School, Dr. Luis Palau of Argentina, who was called “The Billy Graham of Latin America,” told the college students that he had said, in the presence of government leaders, “If we could solve the problem of promiscuity in Latin America, we could solve the problem of poverty in Latin America.” Dr. Palau added, “I’ve never been contradicted.”
I’m not in a position to condemn anybody. A thoughtless action can lead to a situation with no good outcome. We can, however, address societal norms and mindsets that trivialize the sacred. In a meeting among school, community, and governmental leaders, I asked a community policing offer if alcohol had anything to do with unwanted pregnancy. He replied in the definite affirmative.
17. Aynnie
Atheist philosopher Ayn Rand reportedly did not believe in charity. I can understand, since I’ve been swindled and robbed by homeless people I’ve tried to help. Yet as a Christian, I’m required to have a positive attitude toward everyone, even if my love has to be, o occasion, what Bill Milliken called in his book many years ago, “Tough Love.
The poor and meek are blessed.
’Least that’s what Jesus said.
For the rich to enter heaven,
The needle they must thrad.
The needle they must thread,
From camel treasures free,
But from Aynnie Rand and [her follower and former Speaker of the House] Paul Ryan,
Don’t expect lots of charity.”
With apologies to the beautiful Scottish song “Annie Laurie.”
Comments welcome at djeumurian@gmail.com
